I cannot rest from travel: I will drink Life to the lees

Summer, as usual, has gotten away from me. I feel as though I have been standing in the midst of a river, watching its ripples and currents, feeling it slide past inch by inch. I have felt my time ebbing away and stood, frozen in a dreamy reverie, gazing at the current and musing over its flow.

I have only 3 days left in Chattanooga. Today is my last day of work, tomorrow my last day babysitting, then I pack my things and head for Marietta. On July 1st the Nation family flies to Dublin. I have not fully wrapped my head around that fact yet.

All reveries aside, however, the past couple months have been packed with activity. Obviously, engagement was the high point. On May 20th Dave asked me to join him in three things: a picnic, hang gliding, and marriage. I eagerly agreed to all three. Since then life has been a whirlwind of wedding planning combined with work, friends and the homework I should have been studiously applying myself to all along for my studies in London. Mom, of course, has already proved a champion wedding warrior (to no one's surprise) and we have accomplished quite a bit in the past month. I leave for England eager and anxious, but confident that everything will happen in due course and fully prepared to suck the marrow out of my time in London.

It's funny the way God has worked in my heart over the years. Dave and I started browsing through my old xanga last night and in addition to having several very good laughs at the absurd things I wrote as a high school and early college student, we were both amazed and encouraged to read some of the things I wrote about my faith. It was humbling to read the thoughts of that younger girl, to remember how innocent, passionate, vulnerable and earnest I was back then and see how openly and joyfully I chronicled my walk with Christ. I have substituted some of my vulnerability for cynicism and lost a measure of my wonderment along the way. I hope to reclaim these qualities, even as I grow into a more mature person. However, it was also encouraging to read some of my old prayers and hopes and see how God has guided, strengthened and blessed my journey. So many answered prayers.

We stumbled across one particular entry I wrote as a very zealous (and very single) senior in high school, which was addressed "to my future husband." I was slightly horrified and embarrassed by this silly, albeit impassioned, entry about purity and patience and attempted to scroll past it, but Dave insisted that, as it was clearly addressed to him, he should read it. Once the overwhelming self-consciousness abated, I realized that a picture of providence was unfolding before me. How incredible to see that something I wrote so ignorantly and zealously 5 years ago was coming full circle. God uses the craziest things to show us His faithfulness. I wonder what I would have thought and felt as a senior in high school if I had known that years down the road, I would sit with the man to whom I had unwittingly addressed that silly blog post and watch him read my message to him. Those impassioned reflections, which I imagined myself to be sending into some web-based void, would actually be stored away for 5 years and eventually delivered to Dave (who, luckily for me, apparently found them quite adorable). Silly, yet meaningful.

The whole experience has renewed my excitement about keeping a record of my life here. I realized that it's not really about the beauty of my words or the profundity of my thoughts, it's just thrilling to be able to look back and see God's hand in your own history. It's amazing how differently you see even your own words after years of perspective. And having it online for the world to see is actually a very healthy measure because it will keep me from being utterly ridiculous. Hopefully... no promises.

And getting back to that record:

As I said, I leave Chattanooga very soon. I have mixed feelings about leaving for London. I am both elated and fearful (hence the quote that heads this blog). At this moment in my life, I am practically swimming in blessings, and cannot begin to express my gratitude for God's goodness and faithfulness. Many adventures lie ahead for me in the next year or so and at this precise moment I feel refreshed, exhilarated and ready to take them head on. I am ready, as some of my beloved friends frequently recite, to strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.

I cannot rest from travel: I will drink Life to the lees [....]

[....] and though

We are not now that strength which in old days

Moved earth and heaven; that which we are, we are;

One equal temper of heroic hearts,

Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will

To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield. 

(Alfred Lord Tennyson -Ulysses-)